Billay Bob he dun loss 'is leg and other sad stories from the bayou.

Being from Colorado, I’m not accustomed to living with critters inside my main domain. Animals and insects are things that I exit my home to see. They live out side. I live inside. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy camping as much as the next person! I can tolerate bugs and animals in their own habitat just fine! But like I said…IN THEIR HABITAT. Not mine.

So we’ve got ants everywhere.( And devil-looking black cricket-things too!) It doesn’t matter how clean our apartment is. They love to sleep with us, eat with us and just spend quality time with us. Mostly they gravitate towards our dirty laundry basket. And they bite. Speaking of little things that bite, I hate mosquitoes. They’re just common place around here. Blood suckers…just like the drivers. And I’ll say I’m used to blood suckers and lemme explain before you pass judgment on me for the next topic. I served a 19 month mission for the LDS church in New Jersey and while there I was cursed with Bed Bugs not once, but twice. And I lived to tell about it. So blood sucking night crawlers are not new to me. I’ll admit I’ve become more of a wuss since I’ve been home for three years, had a baby and have been living a sheltered life of buglessness.

But they come out at night and crawl through your things. They crawl up your walls and hide in your furniture. They crawl through your bed and sneak into your pillow…or worse…your mouth! Ok, so that’s just my imagination running rampant, BUT IT COULD HAPPEN! They don’t eat you, no, they aren’t dangerous. Just dirty. I’ve seen several baby cock roaches since we’ve moved into our new apartment in Baytown, Texas. But the baby ones aren’t what scare me.

Upon waking up I first go to the restroom. About one foot from my head is the corner of the counter top. And perfectly situated on that corner is a Roach Leg. Just one. Only one. Reddish brown in color. With little hairs and spikes up and down it. I know what you’re thinking, “So what. It’s just a leg. Not even a whole roach.” That one leg was as long as my pointer finger. JUST THE LEG IS AS LONG AS MY FINGER! Imagine how big the rest of it is! Brad says it’s just an old roach who’s fallin’ apart. He was crawlin’ around it’s leg just fell off. “That ol Bob had his leg fall off” he says is his so completely white boy accent trying to be southern and failing. My mom is southern and I actually lived in South Carolina for 4 years so my accent is pretty good. I get Brad laughin’ pretty hard when I use it. I had to correct him. “ Dat ol Billay Bob he dun loss ‘is leg,” thick with southern drawl. But then I had to correct him again. “No dear. That’s just a warning. They’re sending us a message. We’s dat big and we aint got no probum tearin’ ya’ll ‘part like we did dat ol Billay Bob. We’s ‘ere furse!”

Keep an eye out for my leg, please.

When I told the complex manager she said "Oh those kind of roaches are usually outdoors, that's where they belong. Those kind shouldn't be inside." My thought was "Don't ALL kinds of roaches belong outside? ALL BUGS for that matter? And with bugs that big...well I signed the NO PET clause! If I wanted a pet I'd buy one!"

The Rapture

Day One In The Lone Star State:

We left our 65 degree, clear blue skied, mountainous Colorado for an opportunity that will be a great blessing to our family today. We packed everything we could fit into our Subaru, said our goodbyes and drove to Texas.

We stopped in the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it town of Dumas, Texas for dinner…and that’s when we had our first “You know you’re in Texas when…” moments.

We saw a real cowboy. The ones you see in those old westerns. Jeans, collared shirt, cowboy hat, cowboy boots, leathered, tan skin. He looked like he was from an era that wouldn’t have known what an ”old western” was.

We saw a young man wearing basketball shorts, a nice shirt and cowboy boots.

“Hoodies” lived up to it’s claim and we had the world’s best brisket.

Lastly: Garrett played with baby cows in a parking lot. Like 15 of them. Fluffy, lick ya all over, baby cows. And he loved every minute of it.

Day Two:

We went from the desert of Borger to the rainforests of the South. We spent the first night in Borger, a small refining town in the panhandle where Brad did his internship last year. We then decided to use the GPS for the remainder of our trip…and it promptly took us OUT of Texas and INTO Oklahoma…and then BACK to Texas. We drove for 10 hours that day. A long our route we saw our first armadillo, first swamp and got our first “Ya’ll aint frum ‘roun ‘ere ‘er ya?”. As we drove we noticed that as the number of topless bars, adult video stores and stripe clubs increased so did the size and number of churches. And there’s just as much advertising for both.

To top off our day, I’d like to pat myself and Brad on the back for surviving Dallas traffic. These Texans Are Out For Blood.

Day Three:

We’d heard whisperings of the “Rapture” coming and today was the day it occurred. It’s true. The world ended… and we were sent to hell. That’s right, we moved to southern Texas. You get out of your car and you feel like you’ve been slapped in the face by a warm, wet towel. The experience so miserable you feel compelled to cry.

We did find some experiences to laugh about though as we encountered more “You know you’re in Texas when…” moments. We saw a bunch of hogs on the side of the free way, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting longhorn cattle and one that actually gave me hope: “Peaches and local grown produce” billboards every half mile for about a 100 miles. Brad was cheered up by the fact that red cream soda can be found every where; his treat of choice. Blue Bell chocolate-banana ice cream pops are AMAZING btw, those are my new treat of choice. And speaking of bill boards, I wish I’d had a camera. “Stop the porn! Be reborn! –Jesus” is a billboard that can be seen about a 200 feet before you see some of DW’s Adult Video Stores.

Oh and while we thought Dallas drivers were bad they do not compare to the bloodthirsty drivers that caused our near-death experience in Houston! Who ever thought of cutting through three lanes of traffic and almost doing a u-turn in 75 mph bumper to bumper traffic in a F-350 Truck to take your exit????

Day Four:

So if we did, in reality, get raptured…I guess maybe we didn’t quite make it to hell. I’m sorry. I repent. We are so blessed. Our ward is wonderful.

Our bishop said Garrett could go into the Nursery early! He bolted into that room as if he didn’t know who I was. New friends and toys made his little heart skip a beat, I’m sure. Actually, ya know how most kids hate to go INTO nursery…well, I tried to change his diaper after he’d been in there an hour and OMGoodness that kid did NOT want to leave that place. He was furious at me! After church, Garrett’s teacher said that he was the only one who did not try to eat the crayons and he also put them away when he was done. That’s right. We might make a human being out of him after all.

Since Garrett wasn’t with me during church I actually got to pay attention! The Houston Texas East Mission President taught our Sunday school lesson. In Relief Society our lesson was about gifts and talents. I loved how all the sisters were so good at pointing out each others good qualities, like everyone was friends rather than just belonging to the same church. I even got a good laugh out of the lesson. The teacher explained “Gifts and talents are meant to be blessings in our lives and the lives of those around us. They can even bless our lives to the point where they are therapeutic. In fact my husband’s hoe is his therapist!...HIS GARDEN HOE, I mean!!! Gardening is therapeutic for him!” lol

After church several members came by to give us cookies, a fruit salad, invite us for dinner and drop off donated furniture. We’ve been given two dressers, a dinning room table with chairs and a KING size bed to use for the summer. And to finish off our night, kind members of our ward had us over for real homemade Gumbo while Garret got to run around like a chicken with his head cut off playing with their children.

If Garret could talk I’m sure he’d tell you that he died and went to heaven yesterday, maybe this whole rapture experience won’t be so bad after all.

Sorry for the lack of pictures...not sure where the camera is right now.

Just a quick note, Garrett was an absolute angel the entire trip. This new baby is gonna be just as strong as Garrett is. He’s moving and kicking so much I find myself in pain often. Brad’s knee is doing fine. He had his first day of work today, I have yet to find out how it went yet. Although I did find out that they’ve already segregated the Mormons. The only other Mormon intern is his office mate. ;o)

Videos

Alrighty, I'm having trouble uploading some videos on here so I just posted them on my Facebook page. There are two videos of Easter and one of Christmas time. Just let me know if you have trouble viewing them!